Elderly Parent
Some elderly parents expect their children to do every little thing for them, even when they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. However, many other seniors refuse help even when they objectively need outside care. If your parents fall into the latter category, they aren’t a lost cause just yet. Here are eight things you can do when an elderly parents refuses care:
Understand where they are coming from.
Empathy will go a long way toward having a productive, non-stressful conversation with your parents about the next steps. Instead of getting upset at them, put yourself in their shoes: Aging and losing independence can be very scary, and many seniors refuse help because they don’t want to accept that loss of identity. Furthermore, your loved one might have certain medical conditions — such as dementia — that make it difficult or impossible for them to truly grasp just how much the aging process has impacted their ability to take care of themselves. If your loved one has dementia, they might not even understand that outside help is sometimes the greatest gift for the elderly.
Evaluate their situation objectively.
There are many different signs that indicate that your aging parent needs some level of outside help, from missed bill payments to poor hygiene. Educate yourself about what signs to look for and how to determine what level of help your parents need. For instance, some elderly people need assistance with running errands and getting to appointments but can still groom and feed themselves. On the other hand, some seniors require specialized around-the-clock care due to medical or memory care needs. Your loved one might not be able to assess what kind of care they need, which means that you might have to be the one to make the call.
Ask them to do it for the family.
Many older adults hate the idea of being a burden on their children, so this can sometimes be an effective tactic of persuasion. Instead of asking them to take care of themselves, talk about how much you worry about them and how much peace of mind it would give you if they hired part-time help or moved into an assisted living facility. If there are grandkids in the family, you can also emphasize that you want your parents to stay healthy and live as long as possible so they can spend the maximum amount of time with the grandkids.
Recruit outside help.
If asking your loved ones to do it for the family doesn’t work, then calling upon some other authority figures may be helpful. Doctors and social workers can be a great resource for this since they have a deep understanding of seniors’ needs and capabilities. If your loved ones are religious, a preacher, rabbi, priest or another spiritual figure can also be a great partner. If your parents have other senior friends who have had a positive experience with home health aides or assisted living facilities, ask them to talk to your parents about the benefits of their new living arrangement to see if that persuades them.
Focus on the positives.
When thinking about your parents getting older, it’s easy to fixate on the negatives, such as the loss of independence and mobility. However, focusing on the negative aspects can trigger your parents’ denial and make them even more resistant to accepting help. Instead, try to guide them toward the positive aspects, such as having more time to pursue their hobbies if they hire outside help or more opportunities to socialize with peers their own age if they move into an assisted living retirement home. Reframing the situation will slowly help them realize that it isn’t all bad and that some good can come out of it.
Give them choices when possible.
Just because your parents are aging doesn’t mean that they have to give up their independence entirely. In fact, involving your parents in the decision-making process (to whatever extent possible) will help them to feel like they have a certain amount of agency. They are also more likely to adjust well to the new arrangements if they play a role in deciding what kind of help they will get. You can also take steps to help them maintain control in their daily life, such as buying them adaptive clothing so they can continue to dress themselves.
Make the transition gradual.
If your situation allows for it, many older adults find it easier to have a gradual transition than to abruptly switch from living independently to moving into an assisted living or nursing home. For instance, you could start by having some meals delivered to them and hiring a housekeeper. Once their needs increase, you can get a part-time home health aide a couple of days per week, and then finally look into moving them to assisted living if that time ever comes. Spreading the transition out like this will help them maintain as much independence as possible and also give them time to come around to the idea of needing more care.
Accept the situation.
In some cases, you will try everything possible and your loved one will still refuse help. Unfortunately, there’s not much that you can do in this scenario unless there are grounds for establishing a conservatorship, which is still a very long, involved and expensive legal process. Continue to offer help to your parents in a nonjudgmental way and express your love for them through quality time together or gifts for hospital patients. Make it clear that you are always there to help or to make arrangements if they ever change their mind.
Do you have aging parents who are currently refusing help even though they need it? What approaches have you found helpful in convincing your older parents that they need extra assistance? What other tips would you add to the list? Let us know in the comments below!
